“Bog off, you maggot-infested fleabag” is not recommended.
From deciding how much of your owner’s favourite potted plant you can get away with eating, to whether or not it’s acceptable to throw up furballs at the feet of royalty, being a cat is a minefield of tough decisions. In our guide to Eticatte, we cover some of the dilemmas facing the modern feline.
AlterCATions
For many cats, paw-boxing is a default response to everyday problems. If another cat bumps into you, takes your sleeping space or eats your dinner it is considered quite normal for the victim to wop the offender in protest. This is understandable, and for many cats it is an instinctive reaction.
For the offender, however, the urge to apawlogise for the faux paw is not at all instinctive, and rather than apawlogising, they are quite likely to box you back.
A sincere apawlogy should always be offered if you have stomped on another cat’s dignity. Even if you don’t completely understand why they are so upset, it is only good manners. The apawlogy will be much more effective if you augment it with a head rub. Be specific. “Sorry” is of course purrfectly adequate, but a head rub accompaniment will do much to improve relations between you. “Bog off, you maggot-infested fleabag” is not recommended.
Going out to dinner
Cats’ Nights Out can be daunting, formal occasions that involve many ancient rituals. Be sure to study your invitation properly and do not remove your flea collar unless invited to do so. Do not be late. Remember, the second mouse may get the cheese, but the third cat gets nothing and moreover, may have to clear away the remains of the meal (and as you know this will consist only of empty and well-licked dishes). On no account should you charge under the table and get tangled up in the white tablecloth while your host is in full flow telling his favourite story about being chased up a tree by a shaggy dog. No matter how attractive that little kitten in a cocktail dress looks.
Introductions and greetings
If someone is introduced to you and says “how are you?” then be content with “fine thank you,” and do not embark upon a detailed description of your recent furballs or what that nice, new vet said about your scabby ear. It is distinctly bad form.
Someone else’s kittens
Do not pick up kittens just because you feel like it. Remember that if you pick up someone else’s kitten by the scruff of its neck in a high class restaurant and walk out with it, eyebrows may be raised. However if the temptation to do so is irresistible and you find yourself out on the street with a strange kitten between your jaws, do not panic. Simply return it to its mother by dropping it on the ground in front of her and rolling over on your back. On no account drop the kitten into her teacup even if you do think it looks cute.
Discretion
A well-bred cat should be demure, modest and reticent. Always respect the privacy of other cats, and do not ask them about their sex life or what brand of cat treats their owner buys them. Remember that real life is not like reality TV or a soap opera. Humiliating your fellow cat is not the way to glamour and glory, and you should avoid behaving like you are in an episode of “Desperate Tabbies” or “So You Think You Can Run Up Curtains?”
2016-01-10
The Blethering Ant 