According to my Junk email folder, in just two weeks I have made CAD$32,785,000, £11,900,952 and US$4,740,870,000.00 (what, no cents?) Really! It’s true!
First there is a loan offer of US$1 million, then £850,000 from a Dr. Barry Fowler of Nokia, then $25 million from Mr. Mohamed Abudo on the staff of the Bank of Africa (I guess I don’t need the loan then). Next I am to help the poor Nicole Moses Akumi manage her “treasure box” of US$9.2 million (for a mere million – well pooh! to that).
Then I have an offer of working at home typing – well why would I do that when I’ve got all this money, I ask you? And who told them I’m a typist anyway?
While still thinking about the typing I see that I have £800,000 awarded to me by Barclays Bank, quickly followed by an email from “Goodwill Matthew” (apparently Jesus gave him my email address – really, you can’t trust anyone these days!) asking for “2 super giant print bibles in English language”. I have searched my house but am unable to find any. Perhaps I should suggest to the typing-offering-person that I type up a few bibles.
Next I see that I have been awarded 50% of US$5 million from my “fairly friend Madam Mrs. Lilian Chen gpu”. Well I don’t know about you, but I don’t know what a gpu is so I looked it up on Google and all I found was a lot of stuff about graphics cards and the Soviet secret police (1922-23). Madam sounds French, Chen sounds Chinese and Russian secret police sound Russian. And fairly what? Fairly confused, if you ask me, and what is 50% of 5 million anyway? I never was much good at percentages. Perhaps Madam Mrs. is working with my school maths teacher, who knows I am hopeless at percentages and is sending me messages from beyond the grave.
Well if it was a test, I think I blew it. The next email awards me with “A Group Consolation Prize of £450,000” (awwwwww!) I am consoled. At least I was at first, but now I’m trying to figure out who the rest of the group might be. And more importantly, how many of them are they? Not too many, I hope! That’s a tough one, but there’s no time to figure it out now, because another £850,000 has arrived from Nokia. Like the last one, it is a “Nokia Grant Donation Award” and again from Dr. Barry. What a dear man he is! Now I wonder if… but wait! This next chap might be even nicer. Mr. Mark Edward says he is sending me US$10,453,800,000 (though – rather unreasonably I feel – he is only allotting me 45% of this, while he is taking 50%, while 5% are for “expenses”).
You know, I’m beginning to think that all of these messages are from my Maths teacher. And it’s quite obvious that I really do need to brush up on those percentages before I go any further with all this high finance. I’ll be back when I’ve mastered calculus, polynomial regression, dimensional analysis, linear algebra and differential equations.
The Blethering Ant 