In the first part of our “Introduction to etticatte,” we covered how to handle alterCATions, how to behave when going out to dinner, the correct way to manage introductions and greetings, acceptable behaviour with regard to someone else’s kittens and generally how to behave with discretion. Today we move on to some more challenging topics, but ones which should be well within the reach of every smart and streetwise cat.
Encountering royalty
When being presented to royalty – such as the Queen of England for example – do not attempt to chew her shoes or suck her husband’s socks. Inappropriate contact with these items or any other part of their clothing may result in confinement to the Tower of London or worse still, beheading. Do not speak unless spoken to. As you are a cat you will be excused the full curtsey, and may content yourself with nodding your head and purring by way of introduction. This is not the moment to cough up a furball.
Watching television
Television can provide you with hours of entertainment, as can a DVD player, and there are many shows and movies very suitable for cats, if your owner is good at choosing them. Do remember however not to attack the screen during nature programs, even when they seem very threatening to you. Your owner will have paid a lot of money for their 60-inch, ultra high density, slimline panashibachi-bungee-jumpong Widescreen TV with built-in popcorn maker, and watching movies from behind a layer of claw and teeth marks may not fit in with their plans for the weekend.
Eating
If you’re served a kipper or other fishy treat, eat quietly, do not make slurpy, crunchy noises and above all do not haul it across the room to eat from your owner’s best hand-woven Persian rug. If your roommate approaches, do not growl, hiss, spit or otherwise attack them, but stand back and share with a good grace. Just because they call you a parsimonious plonker is no reason to retort by calling them a gluttonous gannet with a face like the back of a bus.
Behaviour at the vet’s
Never yowl and howl in the waiting room as this is embarrassing for everyone, and may distress first-timers. Be discreet and do not discuss your ailments with anyone, even that wise-looking old Siamese in the next basket. Always exercise self-control, and remember that when the vet sticks a thermometer up your rear end he is not necessarily inviting assault and battery. Assess your priorities. Do you want to get rid of that nasty, eye abscess or wipe the vet off the face of the earth? Think carefully before you act.
The Blethering Ant 